South Park script - 50 Shades of Wendy's Boobs
by RevolutionMan
Summary: Stan faces ridicule at school when Wendy protests for equal rights for women. Meanwhile, Randy discovers a new and exciting corner of the internet. Special Guest Stars: Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Bradley Cooper, Roger Goodell, and The Avengers.
1. Chapter 1

"DISNEY PRESENTS MARVEL'S: FIFTY SHADES OF WENDY'S BOOBS"

ACT ONE

EXT. THE BIJOU MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew" is listed as 'Now Playing'. The line to see it snakes around the block and is made up of various nerds in homemade costumes. At the front of the line, we see Randy and Sharon Marsh approach Shlomo at the ticket booth. Randy looks depressed.

**SHLOMO**  
**I'm guessing two for Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew"? That'll be-**

**SHARON**  
**No, we're here to see the new Jennifer Lawrence/Bradley Cooper movie, "Sick of Us Yet?".**

Randy crosses his arms, looks off to the side, and huffs. Shlomo blinks.

**SHLOMO**  
**Seriously?**

**SHARON**  
**Mm-hm.**

Shlomo blinks again, looks at Randy, then back at Sharon.

**SHLOMO**  
**Who'd he f-?**

**SHARON**  
**No one. I just really love Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper.**

**SHLOMO**  
**Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper are also in Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew".**

**SHARON**  
**They are?**

**SHLOMO**  
**They're in every movie playing at this theater.**

**RANDY**  
**Can we please just see Marvel's "The Cleaning Crew", Sharon? If I don't see it this weekend, I won't have anything to talk about with the guys, cause all their wives are bringing them to see it this weekend, and if I have to wait until next weekend, no one's going to want to talk about it anymore. Please, please.**

**SHARON**  
**Well, what's it about?**

**SHLOMO**  
**It's about an eclectic group of misfits who come together to clean up their crime-ridden city.**

**RANDY**  
**Jennifer Lawrence plays a hermaphroditic mutant with the power to make ordinary people inexplicably fall in love with her for no reason, and Bradley Cooper plays a cgi talking bar stool. It's said to be their best performances yet.**

**SHARON**  
**Wait, you don't actually get to see Bradley Cooper? Pass. Two tickets for "Sick of Us Yet?", please.**

**RANDY**  
**Uuuugh! I never get to do anything I want.**

Shlomo hands Sharon the tickets and she heads inside. Randy waits for her to move out of earshot, then leans in.

**RANDY**  
**Am I at least gonna get to see some tits in this flick, or what?**

**SHLOMO**  
**You just assume, because I work at the movie theater, that I've seen every movie playing?**

**RANDY**  
**Yeah.**

**SHLOMO**  
**You just assume, because I live at the movie theater, that I get all the projectors together after hours and play the naked scenes from all the movies back to back while I jerk it into the popcorn butter machines at all the concession stands?**

**RANDY**  
**... Yeah.**

**SHLOMO**  
**Not even a nip-slip.**

**RANDY**  
**Uuuugh!**

Randy puts his hands in his pockets and kicks the dirt.

**SHARON (O.S.)**  
**Randy, come on! I don't want to miss the coming attractions.**

**RANDY (mumbling)**  
**Never get to do anything I want.**

Randy drags his feet all the way inside.

INT. MOVIE THEATER

Sharon is already seated. Randy walks down the aisle holding a box of nachos, two sodas, and a medium popcorn. He hands the popcorn and a soda to Sharon as he sits.

**SHARON**  
**Aw, you got me popcorn? You're so sweet. Is there butter on this?**

**RANDY**  
**Yup!**

He stuffs his face with nachos as the lights come down.

ON THE SCREEN: A preview plays. Title cards read by a deep-voiced narrator, in order:

**NARRATOR (V.O.)**  
**DISNEY!**  
**MARVEL!**  
(on the screen in ridiculously small print, because there's a thousand movies at this point)** From the studio that brought you Iron Man, The Avengers... yada, yada, yada... and Scarlett Johansson in skin-tight leather**  
**DISNEY presents MARVEL'S: The Cleaning Crew**

ON THE SCREEN: Hermaphrodite J-Law and CGi Bar Stool Bradley Cooper stand amidst rubble in a large metropolitan city as dire music plays.

**HERMAPHRODITE J-LAW (V.O.)**  
**You don't understand. I didn't pick this life. I was chosen. This city needs me.**

**CGI BAR STOOL BRADLEY COOPER (V.O.)**  
**We've been fighting each other for too long. We need to put aside our differences to defeat that enemy who conveniently plays a large role in each of our backstories.**

**HERMAPHRODITE J-LAW (V.O.)**  
**I will clean up this city, because this city needs me.**

ON THE SCREEN: We pull back to reveal Hermaphrodite J-Law using a broom to sweep while CGi Bar Stool Bradley Cooper uses Windex on a nearby shop window.

**NARRATOR (V.O.)**  
**DISNEY and MARVEL'S: The Cleaning Crew! Because, at this point, you morons will pretty much watch anything we slap our logo on, and we know it. Now playing.**

Randy stares up at the screen, eyes wide, until the preview ends and the movie starts. He goes back to his nachos.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - MORNING

The school bell rings.

INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING

Mr. Garrison's fourth grade class settles in at their desks, with one notable absence; Wendy Testaburger.

**CARTMAN (to Kyle)**  
**And then, I was reading online about this other easter egg in "The Cleaning Crew", in the scene where they're using the Bissell Green Clean Machine to steam the carpets in the Museum of Natural History, that in one shot you can see The Invisible Woman's defective diaphragm she used in Fantastic Four #268, where she had the abortion.**

**KYLE**  
**The Invisible Woman did not have an abortion, fatass.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Yeah-huh, in Fantastic Four #268.**

**BUTTERS**  
**How can you see The Invisible Woman's diaphragm if it's invisible?**

**CARTMAN**  
**Butters, you stupid asshole, the diaphragm isn't invisible. She's invisible.**

**BUTTERS**  
**Oooooh. Also, what's a diaphragm? Is that like, uh, a harmonica?**

Mr. Garrison enters.

**GARRISON**  
**Settle down, children.**

Garrison notices Wendy's empty desk.

**GARRISON**  
**Stan, where's Wendy?**

**STAN**  
**How should I know?**

**CARTMAN**  
**She's your bitch. Tighten the leash, dawg.**

**STAN**  
**I don't know where she is 24/7.**

**GARRISON**  
**Eric, watch your language! Stan, tighten the leash! Okay, now, if everyone will open their textbooks to page-**

Garrison is cut off as Wendy, topless, walks into the room and handcuffs herself to the teacher's desk. The words "Fuck Your Morals" are written across her 'breasts' and stomach.

**WENDY (chanting)**  
**No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women.**

**GARRISON**  
**Wendy!**

The whole class stares at Wendy in shock.

Close on Stan, in shock. Cartman shimmies his desk closer to Stan's and elbows Stan in the arm.

**CARTMAN**  
**Dude... Dude... Hey, dude... Dude... Stan, dude... Dude...  
**

Stan grows angrier and angrier until...

**STAN**  
**What?!**

**CARTMAN**  
**I can see your girlfriend's boobs.**

Cartman laughs.

INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

Wendy, now wearing an art smock, sits opposite Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey.

**MACKEY**  
**Young lady, this is totally unacceptable behavior, mmkay?**

**WENDY**  
**You're right, Mr. Mackey, it is unacceptable. The unequal treatment of women in this country is totally unacceptable.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Wendy, it is not okay to take your shirt off in the middle of class.**

**WENDY**  
**Yet it's perfectly okay for boys to walk around without shirts at the beach, at the pool in gym class, or when jogging or exercising, but when a girl does it, it's scandalous. That's because our bodies have been purposely sexualized by chauvinist religions, governments, and the media as a tool to control our behavior and shame us into subjugated roles in society when we fail to meet impossible double-standards.**

**MACKEY**  
**Subjugated roles? The principal of the school is a woman.**

Wendy reaches into her pants pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.

**WENDY**  
**Yes, and as principal, she makes $59,214 annually, well below the average for Colorado state principals. Meanwhile, you, Mr. Mackey, the school counselor, make $61,742.**

**MACKEY**  
**Where did you get that?**

Mackey takes the piece of paper from Wendy.

**WENDY**  
**You make more than your boss! Because she's a woman and you're a man.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Let me see that.**

Principal Victoria grabs the piece of paper out of Mackey's hands and confirms what Wendy is saying. She stares at Mackey, appalled. Mackey swallows and smiles uncomfortably.

EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

Wendy AND Principal Victoria march outside the school. They are both topless. Black writing across Principal Victoria's breasts and stomach reads "Equal Pay for Women".

**WENDY AND PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (chanting)**  
**No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women. No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women.**

Male drivers in the street outside the school stop in the middle of the road to view the protest. Several rear-end collisions occur.

Along with a small crowd, Mackey, Garrison, and the boys observe the protest.

**GARRISON (to Stan)**  
**You really gotta learn to tighten the leash, Stan.**

Cartman elbows Stan.

**CARTMAN**  
**Dude... Stan, dude...**

EXT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS - AFTERNOON

South Park residents just getting out of work head into the bar for happy hour.

INT. SKEETER'S BAR AND COCKTAILS - AFTERNOON

Skeeter serves Randy a beer. Gerald, Jimbo, Ned, and Stuart are there watching television and talking about "Marvel's: The Cleaning Crew".

**GERALD**  
**I think my favorite scene in "The Cleaning Crew" was when Iron Man showed up.**

**NED (voicebox)**  
**I love random cameos like that.**

Homer Simpson walks in, looks around.

**HOMER SIMPSON**  
**This isn't Moe's.**

Homer leaves.

**STUART**  
**I heard a rumor Iron Man makes a cameo in this, too.**

Stuart points at the television. They all look.

**JIMBO**  
**Stuart, this is Jeopardy.**

ON THE TELEVISION: Three ugly sons'a'bitches answer trivia questions for money on "Marvel's: Jeopardy".

**CONTESTANT (TV)**  
**I'll take "Insufferable Egomaniacs" for $1000.**

**ALEX TREBEK (TV)**  
**It's a video clue.**

A clip pops up of Robert Downey Jr., surrounded by half-naked women, drinking a martini out of a diamond Iron Man helmet. He looks at the screen.

**ROBERT DOWNEY JR. (TV)**  
**I am Iron Man.**

**CONTESTANT (TV)**  
**Who is 'Robert Downey Jr.?'**

**ALEX TREBEK (TV)**  
**That's correct.**

BACK IN THE BAR

A random bar patron walks up to the television, pulls out his wallet, and throws cash at the screen. The guys watch him walk away before continuing their conversation.

**GERALD**  
**What'd you think of "The Cleaning Crew", Randy?**

**RANDY**  
**I didn't get to go. Sharon dragged me to some chick flick with Jennifer Lawrence instead. J-Law's hot, but she didn't show one tit in the whole two hours! It's like, why am I watching?**

**NED**** (voicebox)**  
**Not even a nip-slip?**

**STUART**  
**That sucks.**

**GERALD**  
**So, who'd you f-?**

Randy gives Gerald a look.

**RANDY**  
**I didn't cheat on my wife, Gerald. It was just date night.**

**STUART**  
**If Carol tried to drag me to some lame chick flick, I'd give her a black eye so big she'd have to wear sunglasses to work for a month.**

**RANDY**  
**Holy shit, Stuart!**

**GERALD**  
**Jesus!**

**NED**  
**Whoa.**

**JIMBO**  
**My god!**

All the guys look at Stuart with an expression of pure shock.

**RANDY**  
**... When did Carol get a job?**

**GERALD**  
**Anyway, Randy, thank god for Mr. Skinn, at least. Am I right?**

**RANDY**  
**Who's Mr. Skinn?**

**GERALD**  
**Mr. Skinn isn't a 'who', it's a website; mrskinn dot com. You've never heard of it? You go on, type the name of an actress, and it shows you every video, magazine, or leaked pic on the internet where she's ever been naked. I have the app for it on my phone.**

Gerald pulls out his smartphone, opens the Mr. Skinn app, and types in 'Jennifer Lawrence'. The guys all watch his phone.

**GERALD**  
**Look, see? Jennifer Lawrence naked pics from 'The Fappening'.**

**NED**  
**Holy shit.**

**RANDY**  
**You can type any celebrity in?**

**GERALD**  
**Yeah.**

**RANDY**  
**What about... Scarlett Johansson?**

Gerald types.

**GERALD**  
**Full frontal in 2013's "Under the Skin".**

A golden glow emanates from the phone as an angelic choir sings.

**ALL**  
**Whooooooa.**

**GERALD**  
**It's made watching tv with Sheila almost bearable.**

Randy thinks.

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

A forlorn Stan walks up to the front door by himself. He knocks. Mrs. Testaburger, Wendy's Mom, answers.

**MRS. TESTABURGER**  
**Oh, hello, Stan. I'm afraid Wendy can't play. She's been grounded for two weeks for protesting naked at the school.**

**STAN**  
**That's okay. I just wanted to give her her homework.**

**MRS. TESTABURGER**  
**Oh, okay. Wendy, Stan is here with your homework. But make it fast.**

Wendy, fully clothed, comes to the door. Mrs. Testaburger leaves.

**STAN**  
**Here.**

Stan hands Wendy her homework then turns to leave.

**WENDY**  
**Wait, I have something I want to say.**

**STAN**  
**I'm not really in the mood for an apology, right now.**

**WENDY**  
**I wasn't going to apologize.**

**STAN**  
**Do you have any idea what you've done? I'm a laughing stock at school because of you. Guys have been ragging on me all day, telling me how they all saw your boobs.**

**WENDY**  
**Who cares? They're just boobs.**

**STAN**  
**I care. And they're not "just boobs", they're _your_ boobs, and you're _my_ girlfriend.**

**WENDY**  
**So, because I'm your girlfriend, you get to decide who sees them?**

**STAN**  
**Yes. I mean, no. I mean, what does it matter anymore? Now, everyone's seen them. Hell, even Cartman's seen them.**

**WENDY**  
**It doesn't matter who's seen them.**

**STAN**  
**It matters to me. I thought we had something special, but now... I don't think I want to be your boyfriend anymore.**

**WENDY**  
**But, Stan...**

**STAN**  
**Goodbye, Wendy.**

Stan walks away. Wendy watches him leave, tears in her eyes.

\- To be Continued... with more boobs... -


	2. Chapter 2

INT. LIVING ROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy enters carrying a pizza. Sharon is there, sitting on the couch watching television.

**RANDY**  
**Sorry I'm late, Sharon. I picked up a pizza. Kids, pizza's here!**

**SHARON**  
**Oh, it's just going to be us tonight. Shelly's having a sleepover and Stan said he was going over his little girlfriend's.**

**RANDY**  
**Oh, okay. How many slices you want?**

**SHARON**  
**Two.**

Randy brings the pizza into...

INT. KITCHEN - MARSH HOUSE

Randy puts the pizza down, takes out two plates, drops some slices on them, and then carries the plates out to...

INT. LIVING ROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy hands Sharon a plate, then sits. Sharon offers him the remote control.

**SHARON**  
**You can change the channel if you want.**

**RANDY**  
**Um, actually, it's okay if you want to watch your show.**

**SHARON**  
**Really?**

**RANDY**  
**Yeah. I mean, we always watch what I want to watch. So, what is this, anyway? A show about lesbians?**

**SHARON**  
**It's a _Charmed_ re-run. They're not lesbians. They're sisters.**

**RANDY**  
**Cool. Cool.**

**SHARON**  
**You might like it, actually. They're witches with powers, like those superheroes you love so much.**

**RANDY**  
**Cool. Cool.**

While Sharon watches the lesbian show, Randy calmly sneaks his phone out of his pocket and opens the Mr. Skinn app.

**RANDY**  
**So, um, who's that?**

**SHARON**  
**Alyssa Milano's character? Her name is Phoebe. She's one of the sisters.**

**RANDY**  
**Cool. Cool. That's 'Milano', like the cookie?**

**SHARON**  
**I think so.**

He types in 'Alyssa Milano' on his phone. It comes up with several nude scenes.

**RANDY**  
**Awesome.**

**SHARON**  
**I knew you'd like it if you just gave it a chance.**

**RANDY**  
**Ok. Bathroom break.**

Randy heads to the bathroom with his phone.

Stan enters, looking forlorn.

**SHARON**  
**You're home early. I thought you were having dinner over at Wendy's.**

**STAN**  
**We had a fight.**

**SHARON**  
**Aw. You want to talk about it?**

**STAN**  
**I don't know. Has Dad ever done anything that made you embarrassed, and then acted like he didn't even understand why you would be embarrassed by it?**

**SHARON**  
**You mean, since he got home?**

**STAN**  
**Nevermind. Stupid question. But now, I'm the one getting ragged on at school. How do you deal with it?**

**SHARON**  
**Well, it can be hard when you love someone, especially when their idiosyncrasies draw attention to you in a way that makes you want to crawl under a rock and die. As far as the other kids at school picking on you, kids your age are fickle. Something else will happen and they'll be on to the next thing. I'm sure it will blow over soon and they'll have forgotten all about it.**

**STAN**  
**I hope so.**

**SHARON**  
**There's pizza in the kitchen if you're hungry.**

Stan heads for the kitchen.

Randy, looking relaxed with a big grin on his face, re-enters and plops down on the couch. He lights up a cigarette, takes a drag, then exhales.

**RANDY**  
**So, what else is on?**

Sharon gives him a dirty look.

INT. DINING ROOM - LOG CABIN

TELEVISION MONTAGE: Classical music plays over a montage of images, ala "Martha Stewart Living". Cartman, wearing a sweater, walks through a garden. He sets a table for fine dining. He and Captain America throw a log on a fire. The title reads: "Disney presents Marvel's: At Home with Eric Cartman".

Eric Cartman, wearing a different sweater, with neatly combed hair, stands at a dining room table with craft supplies.

**CARTMAN**  
**Hello, everyone, and welcome to another edition of 'At Home with Eric Cartman'. Today, we have a fun little craft for everyone. We start with a pair of old sunglasses and some peach paint. I prefer oil-based with a brush but a spray can will do just as well in a pinch. What you want to do is get a nice even coat.**

Cartman paints the sunglasses peach, then puts them down to dry.

**CARTMAN**  
**Now, if you're like me, you have a lot of pencils laying around from all those standardized tests they make us take in skewl. Then, after you take the test, what are you supposed to do with the pencils? I mean, no one uses pencils anymore. What is this, Africa? What I do is I take an exacto knife and I cut off the eraser tips like so. Then, I coat one end with some gorilla glue, and press it firmly for just a few seconds to the lens of the sunglasses and...**

With both eraser tips glued to the sunglasses, he puts them on. They look like boobs.

**CARTMAN**  
**... there you go. A nice pair of wearable Wendy's Boobs. Isn't that lovely? Join me tomorrow, when I show you how with just some food coloring, the tops off of two mini-muffins, and a couple of red hots, you can make yourself a pair of edible Wendy's Boobs. Have a pleasant day.**

He smiles for the camera.

INT. HALLWAY - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY

Cartman stands next to a craft table selling "Wendy's Boobs" themed crafts. Butters tries on a pair of Wendy's Boobs sunglasses. Kyle, outraged at the display, marches over.

**CARTMAN**  
**Wendy's Boobs sunglasses, two for five dollars. Wendy's Boobs novelty magnets, a dollar each. Get your Wendy's Boobs.**

**KYLE (to Cartman)**  
**What the hell do you think you're doing?**

**CARTMAN**  
**I think I'm doing my part to support equal rights for women in this country. It's a very important issue that weighs heavily on my soul. Like a big pair of heavy boobs.**

**KYLE**  
**No, that's what Wendy was doing when she handcuffed herself to Garrison's desk. You're just an asshole trying to make money off it, while also making fun of her.**

**CARTMAN**  
**I see, so when Wendy shows her boobs to the whole school, it's this big courageous act highlighting an issue of extreme social injustice, but when I show her boobs to the whole school, I'm just an asshole. Is that what you're saying, Kyle?**

**KYLE**  
**Yes.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Wow. I see sexism is alive and well in the Broflovski house.**

**KYLE**  
**Rrrrgg!**

Stan, looking like he hasn't bathed since yesterday, walks by and over to his own locker. Kyle follows him.

**KYLE**  
**Are you just going to stand there and let Cartman get away with this?**

**STAN**  
**What do you want me to do about it? This is between Cartman and Wendy.**

**KYLE**  
**But she's not even here to defend herself since she got suspended.**

**STAN**  
**I guess she should have thought about that before she broke the rules. I'd just rather not get involved in this one. If Wendy cares so much, let her deal with it when she gets back. Besides, sooner than later something else will come up and Cartman will move on to the next thing. I'm sure it'll blow over soon enough.**

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

Topless female protestors march outside South Park Town Hall. The group includes Laura Tucker (Craig's Mom), Sarah Valmer (Jimmy's Mom), and Ms. Bronski (the Elementary school's nurse), among many, many others. They all have something about women's equality written on their exposed boobs. "Free Victoria" appears more than once on their chests and protest signs.

**PROTESTORS (chanting)**  
**No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria! No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria! No masters, no slaves. Free Victoria!**

From a distance, the police have the area cordoned off, but a crowd has formed. Among them is Randy, who approaches one of the officers.

**RANDY**  
**What's going on here?**

**POLICE OFFICER**  
**Some women are protesting for gender equality.**

**RANDY**  
**Topless?**

Randy starts giggling and takes out his phone. He takes pictures of some of the protestors.

**RANDY**  
**Is that Sarah Valmer? I've always wanted to see those.**

He takes a few more pictures.

**RANDY**  
**Ok. Bathroom break!**

He walks off.

INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - TOWN HALL

Mayor Mary McDaniels watches the protest from her office. Deputy-Mayor Bradley is with her.

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**God dammit, who the hell told Barbrady to arrest Principal Victoria, anyway?**

**DEPUTY-MAYOR BRADLEY**  
**She took her clothes off in front of a school full of children, Mayor.**

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**After all the crap Garrison's pulled over the years, you'd think he could have looked the other way on this one.**

Office Barbrady enters.

**BARBRADY**  
**Hello, Mayor.**

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**Do you have any idea what kind of a circus you've caused? The governor called me at my house this morning! Is she here?**

**BARBRADY**  
**My officers are bringing her in now.**

Two officers escort into the office a handcuffed Principal Victoria. She's wearing an orange prison jumper.

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**Principal Victoria, I don't know what your motives are for all of this, but you and I are reasonable people. I'm sure we can reach some sort of understanding, before we end up with a riot on our hands. These public displays of indecency are totally unacceptable.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**You want to know what's unacceptable? The United States is one of only four countries in the world that doesn't provide paid maternity leave.**

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**Yes, but-**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Domestic violence claims the lives of four women every single day.**

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**The police are doin-**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Women make as little as 77 cents for every dollar men make in the same jobs.**

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**Wait, what was that last part?**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**Women in the U.S. make 77 cents on the dollar compared to men. Counselor Mackey makes more money than I do, and I'm his boss! Do you know how much Deputy-Mayor Bradley makes?**

Mayor McDaniels eyes Deputy-Mayor Bradley, who appears nervous.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

A Channel 9 news reporter speaks into a microphone.

**REPORTER**  
**We're live outside town hall where women have gone topless to protest gender inequality, and in a truly bizarre turn of events, some of them... are actually kind of hot. Among their demands are equal pay for women in the workforce as well as the release of inspired, but not as hot, female activist "Principal Victoria".**

Mayor McDaniels and Principal Victoria emerge from the town hall.

**REPORTER**  
**There's Principal Victoria now, along with Mayor McDaniels. It looks like the mayor is getting ready to make a statement. Let's listen.**

The camera zooms in on Mayor McDaniels. The protestors and gathered onlookers all quiet in anticipation of what she's going to say.

Suddenly, Mayor McDaniels rips her shirt off, exposing her breasts to the crowd. The words "Female Jihad" are written across her body.

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**F# * your morals!**

The protestors cheer as Mayor McDaniels releases Principal Victoria, who immediately strips. The two of them get in line with the rest of the protestors and start chanting.

INT. LIVING ROOM - WENDY'S HOUSE

Wendy watches the Channel 9 news and gets excited.

**WENDY**  
**This is awesome!**

She pulls out her phone to text someone. When the screen lights up, the wallpaper is a picture of Stan. Seeing his face, she grows sad. She puts the phone on the coffee table and changes the channel.

The doorbell rings. She gets up, opens the door. It's Kyle.

**WENDY**  
**What are you doing here?**

**KYLE**  
**Hey, Wendy. I just wanted to ask you if there's anything I can do to help with your protest thing.**

**WENDY**  
**You care about gender equality?**

**KYLE**  
**Yeah. I think it's great, and it's wrong what some people are doing; making fun of you, treating it like it's a joke, and trying to make money off it.**

**WENDY**  
**Who's trying to make money off- nevermind, stupid question. Look, Kyle, gender equality is a serious issue. It's not just about sticking it to fat, chauvinist, assholes like Eric Cartman.**

**KYLE**  
**Is it about Stan?**

**WENDY**  
**No. Why? Did he say something?**

**KYLE**  
**Kind of. Stan's changed. It's like he just doesn't care about anything anymore.**

**WENDY**  
**Well, Stan needs to get it through his thick skull that how I choose to display my body is my business and isn't about him.**

**KYLE**  
**So if it isn't about Stan, and it isn't about Cartman, what the hell is it about?**

Wendy screams and slams the door in his face.

EXT. WENDY'S HOUSE - DAY

Kyle stares at the closed door for a moment.

**KYLE**  
**What the hell is it about boobs that makes everyone so crazy?**

He walks away.

INT. BEDROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Sharon watches television in bed. Randy, grinning ear to ear, also in his pajamas, gets in bed with his phone.

**RANDY**  
**All right, what are we watching?**

**SHARON**  
**It's a Lifetime movie, "The Inconvenient Boyfriend".**

**RANDY**  
**Okay, okay. And who's the girl?**

**SHARON**  
**The star? That's Jennifer Love Hewitt.**

**RANDY (under his breath)**  
**God, look at the size of those puppies.**

Randy taps out the name into his Mr. Skinn app. It pops up with an error "No Nudes Found".

**RANDY**  
**Sharon... Is that Hewitt with two t's?**

**SHARON**  
**I think so.**

"No Nudes Found". He panics.

**RANDY**  
**And is the 'Love Hewitt' part her whole last name? Or is 'Love' a middle name? Does she ever go by just 'Jennifer Hewitt'?**

**SHARON**  
**I think I've only ever heard it Jennifer Love Hewitt.**

He starts to hyperventilate. He grabs her.

**RANDY**  
**Is 'Love Hewitt' one word or two? Does she hyphenate? DOES SHE HYPHENATE?!**

**SHARON**  
**I-I don't think she does. Why are you so interested?**

**RANDY**  
**I'll be right back.**

He runs into...

INT. BATHROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Randy locks the door. He moves to the sink and looks in the mirror. A daydream like haze of boobs appears all around his head; Scarlett Johansson's, J-Law's, Sarah Valmer's, Alyssa Milano's, and they're all bare and glorious.

But then... Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. So big. So cleavy. But so covered!

**RANDY**  
**No... no... no!**

He runs the water and splashes some in his face. He takes several deep breaths, then looks back at himself in the mirror.

**RANDY**  
**I have to see them.**

His expression turns to one of pure determination.

\- To be Continued... with even bigger boobs... -


	3. Chapter 3

EXT. JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S HOUSE - DAY

A mansion... shaped like boobs in a v-neck. On either side of the walkway leading up to the front door are rows of hedges shaped like big breasted women... wearing sweaters. The mailbox is shaped like a pair of boobs in a tank top and has the name "J. Love Hewitt" written on the outside.

INT. LIVING ROOM - JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S HOUSE

Showing plenty of cleavage, Jennifer Love Hewitt watches television from a tan LazyBoy where the arm rests are so big and fluffy, it looks as if she's sitting in its cleavage.

ON THE TELEVISION: Current and former NFL players are shown from the chest up. They have serious expressions on their faces.

**PEYTON MANNING (TV)**  
**No more "But he's such a nice guy".**

**TOM BRADY (TV)**  
**No more "I'll say something next time".**

**MICHAEL STRAHAN (TV)**  
**No more "Why doesn't she just leave?".**

**ROGER GOODELL (TV)**  
**Hello, I'm Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL. This year, in conjunction with the non-profit organization known as "No More", the NFL is doing its part to combat domestic violence. In every game this season, our players will be wearing...**

Goodell holds up a jersey with a patch on the sleeve shaped like one of Wendy's Boobs.

**ROGER GOODELL (TV)**  
**...a Wendy's Boob patch on each sleeve; one for each boob. These patches were designed by civil rights activist Eric Cartman.**

The camera pulls back to reveal Eric Cartman sitting next to the Commissioner, dressed like Goodell, right down to the same hairstyle.

**ERIC CARTMAN (TV)**  
**I designed these patches to raise awareness about the very important issue of gender inequality in this country, and to end domestic violence once and for all.**

**ROGER GOODELL (TV)**  
**If you want to help join the fight to end domestic violence, please visit the NFL Store online and purchase one of these patches for a donation of just thirteen dollars, plus shipping and handling.**

**ERIC CARTMAN (TV)**  
**...or two for nineteen ninety-five.**

**ROGER GOODELL (TV)**  
**One hundred percent of the proceeds will go to us, so we can raise more awareness by making more patches, and more commercials, and maybe build a stadium in Los Angeles by 2016.**

Goodell and Cartman each cross their fingers and smile.

**ERIC CARTMAN (TV)**  
**Won't you join us in our fight... by sending us your nineteen ninety-five? Help us to say...**

**ERIC CARTMAN AND ROGER GOODELL (TV)**  
**No more.**

INT. LIVING ROOM - JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S HOUSE

The doorbell rings. Jennifer Love Hewitt turns off the television and heads to...

INT. FOYER - JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S HOUSE

She opens the front door to reveal... Randy, in a UPS uniform, holding a box.

**RANDY**  
**Delivery for Jennifer Love Hewitt. Sign here, please.**

**JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT**  
**Oh, this must be the _Tuxedo 2_ script I've been waiting for... for thirteen years.**

She signs for the box and takes it inside, closing the door behind her. She moves back into...

INT. LIVING ROOM - JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT'S HOUSE

She opens the box and removes the contents; a strand of Mardi Gras beads.

**JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT**  
**What the hell? Are these Mardi Gras beads?  
**

A noise draws her attention to a window where she sees Randy staring at her from outside. He's holding his cameraphone in one hand and his other hand is down his pants.

**JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT**  
**Oh, my god!**

**RANDY (outside)**  
**Please.**

She runs into another room, screaming.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

On one side, the crowd of topless female protestors has grown exponentially around Mayor McDaniels and Principal Victoria. On the other, police officers in riot gear stand with Barbrady, the Deputy-Mayor, and Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper (seriously, that's his real name, I didn't make it up).

**GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER**  
**Please, you women need to disperse. Can't you see you've shutdown the whole town?**

The Governor motions to the large crowd comprised of all the men in South Park that have come with their cameraphones to ogle the free boobs.

The Channel 9 news reporter speaks into his microphone.

**REPORTER**  
**The tension is palpable here at the South Park Town Hall where, despite Governor John Hickenlooper's best efforts to convince protestors to disperse, they have refused to leave.**

In the background, we see topless Wendy join the protestors.

INT. LIVING ROOM - MARSH HOUSE

Stan, watching the protest on tv, sees Wendy join the crowd.

**STAN**  
**Wendy?**

**REPORTER (TV)**  
**Unless something changes, I fear we could be looking at a full-on riot, and things could get very dangerous here, very soon.**

Stan heads for the front door. Sharon enters from the kitchen.

**SHARON**  
**Honey, have you seen your father? He's not answering his phone.**

**STAN**  
**No, Mom. Sorry. Gotta run.**

Stan exits.

**SHARON**  
**He better not be down there at that protest looking at boobs.**

**REPORTER (TV)**  
**In other news, a man was arrested outside Jennifer Love Hewitt's home today when-**

The power goes out, cutting off the news report.

**SHARON**  
**Oh, that's just great.**

She heads back into the kitchen to look for some candles.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

On one side, topless protestors...

**PROTESTORS (chanting)**  
**No masters, no slaves. Freedom for women!**

On the other side, the police and Governor Hickenlooper with his bullhorn.

**GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER**  
**Disperse immediately or I will order the police to start making arrests.**

Opposite the crowd of townspeople, Eric Cartman has setup a "Wendy's Boobs Souvenir and Concession Stand". Butters, wearing Wendy's Boobs glasses, handles the money.

**CARTMAN**  
**Patches. Get your patches. Show your support for female equality with Wendy's boobs. Just nineteen ninety-five for the pair.**

**BUTTERS**  
**Wendy's Boobs mini-muffins, seventy-five cents a muffin. Wendy's Boobs ice cream sundaes, comes in a commemorative A cup bra, six dollars.**

Kyle cuts the line to confront Cartman.

**KYLE**  
**I can't believe you would stoop this low.**

**CARTMAN**  
**You have _met_ me. Seems like a wild miscalculation on your part.**

The stress of the situation gets the better of one of the young police rookies. He launches tear gas into the crowd of protestors. This immediately sets off a violent riot.

**KYLE (to Cartman)**  
**Don't you see what's happening? We have to get out of here. It's too dangerous.**

**CARTMAN**  
**Are you crazy? We're cleaning up!**

Cartman shows Kyle a big stack of bills.

**CARTMAN**  
**I'll admit, at first it was just about making fun of Wendy, but that was before I realized how much money a person can make with just a few boobs. Look to your inner Jew, Kyle. I can't walk away from this much money, not when domestic violence is such an important issue right now.**

In the middle of the riot, running back Ray Rice backhands a woman into unconsciousness. Greg Hardy, now with the Dallas Cowboys, picks up a topless protestor and throws her. Avengers Hulk, Thor, and Hawkeye beat back protestors as if they were Ultron drones. It's bedlam.

**KYLE (to Cartman)**  
**Wait a minute, you made all that money just from selling stuff that looks like Wendy's boobs?**

**CARTMAN**  
**Yes, can you believe it?**

**KYLE (to himself)**  
**Son of a bitch. Cartman was right. Cartman was right the whole time.**

Kyle walks off in stunned disbelief.

**CARTMAN**  
**I was?**

Elsewhere, topless Wendy is in over her head. Protestors fighting with police officers surround her on all sides. She cries out in terror, nowhere to go, nowhere to run. She gets knocked down by a brutal blow to the head.

WENDY'S POV: Dazed from hitting her head, Wendy's perspective is out of focus and all hazy. Bodies and boobs are everywhere. Suddenly, from out of the chaos, emerges a familiar face.

**WENDY (hurt)**  
**Stan?**

Stan pushes his way through the crowd and to her side. He picks her up in his arms and carries her out of the fracas, to the safety of the nearby...

INT. CITY WOK RESTAURANT

Stan carries Wendy inside and puts her down against the wall. He closes the door behind them and kneels down next to her.

**STAN**  
**I think we'll be safe here. Are you all right?**

**WENDY**  
**Stan? You... you saved me.**

**STAN**  
**Of course, I did. Listen, Wendy, I was wrong to treat you the way I did. I didn't realize how important this was to you. I saw you on the news and how dangerous things were getting down here... I didn't know what I would do if anything happened to you. I guess, I didn't really care about the way women are treated in society until it threatened someone who really matters to me.**

**WENDY**  
**Oh, Stan.**

**STAN**  
**And you know what else I realized? It doesn't matter how many people have seen your boobs. It doesn't matter if the whole world has seen them. You know why?**

**WENDY**  
**Why?**

**STAN**  
**Because, as your boyfriend...**

He touches her boob.

**STAN**  
**I'm the only one who gets to touch them.**

**WENDY**  
**Actually, I never said you could tou-**

As she gazes into his eyes, romantic music plays inside her head that interrupts her train of thought. She melts, and looks as if she wants to kiss him. He looks as if he's about to throw up. She pulls him in close and kisses him passionately. He immediately throws up all over her.

**WENDY**  
**Ewwwww!**

**STAN**  
**Yeah, you should really put a shirt on.**

Meanwhile, at the counter, Tuong Lu Kim glares at them.

**TUONG LU KIM (thick hilarious accent)**  
**If you kids no goin' order any my shitty food, you have to go outshide.**

**STAN**  
**But there's a dangerous riot going on out there.**

**TUONG LU KIM (thick hilarious accent)**  
**Not my probrem. Come back when have money.**

Tuong Lu Kim drags them outside. He leaves them out there.

EXT. TOWN HALL - DAY

The riot continues, with Eric's souvenir and concessions stand coming under fire. He tries to protect the merchandise from looters while Butters hides under the table and cries.

**CARTMAN (at looters)**  
**Hey, put that down! You have to pay for that! You better not touch those boobs unless you plan to pay for them!**

**BUTTERS (crying)**  
**I want to go home!**

**CARTMAN**  
**God dammit, Butters, stop being such a pussy and help me protect my boobs!**

As the riot rages on, Kyle finds Governor Hickenlooper's bullhorn on the ground at the top of the town hall steps. He picks it up and presses a button on the side that lets out a loud noise that draws the attention of everyone in the crowd. For a brief moment, the fighting stops as they all look to Kyle.

**KYLE**  
**Everyone needs to stop. Can't you see what all this fighting is doing to this town? It's tearing us apart. At first, I didn't understand what it was all about, either. Some girl takes her shirt off and starts screaming, and that's supposed to be some kind of protest. I didn't get it.**

Stan and Wendy inch their way closer to hear what Kyle has to say.

**SARAH VALMER**  
**It means, my body, my choice! No means no!**

**LAURA TUCKER**  
**End domestic violence, now!**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**No more gender discrimination!**

The protestors cheer.

**KYLE**  
**I understand all that. No woman wants to live her life in fear that she's going to get beaten up or raped. Heck, I was watching the news, and some asshole got arrested today for stalking Jennifer Love Hewitt at her house.**

Stan and Wendy exchange a look.

**GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER**  
**What are we supposed to do? That guy got arrested. And we can't promise all men everywhere are going to stop being assholes to women.**

**KYLE**  
**That's right. We can't. No matter how much it pisses us off, there are always going to be assholes out there.**

Kyle looks right at Cartman.

**CARTMAN**  
**Hey! What are you looking at me for?**

**KYLE**  
**But maybe there is something we can do. We don't have to understand what the girls are feeling to understand, if they're willing to go to these lengths, showing their boobs everywhere, it's clearly something that's important to them. Don't we owe it to them to try to care, because we care about them?**

Stan and Wendy hold hands.

**KYLE**  
**Don't we owe it to society to actually do something, instead of just calling attention to it?**

In the crowd, Roger Goodell makes a discrete exit.

Governor Hickenlooper thinks.

**GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER (to protestors)**  
**All right. Suppose we do want to do something about it. What would... make you ladies feel better and... convince you to put your clothes back on so we can all get some damn work done?**

Mayor McDaniels, Principal Victoria, and the rest of the women think for a minute, then huddle up. They deliberate.

Mayor McDaniels steps up.

**MAYOR MCDANIELS**  
**Bitches wanna get paid.**

**PRINCIPAL VICTORIA**  
**We want to make the same money a man would make if they had our jobs.**

**GOVERNOR HICKENLOOPER**  
**Ok, but where are we supposed to get the money for that?**

Kyle smiles, looks at Cartman.

Dread appears on Cartman's face.

**CARTMAN**  
**Oh... God... DAMMIT!**

END CREDITS

AFTER CREDITS SCENE - BECAUSE... MARVEL DID IT

EXT. COLORADO STATE PENITENTIARY - DAY

The gate to the state prison opens and Sharon drives out with Randy in the passenger's seat.

INT. SHARON'S CAR - DAY

Sharon, driving, looks straight ahead, clearly furious. Randy, sheepish, looks out the side window. Several tense seconds roll by as he tries to think of something to say.

**RANDY**  
**For the record... you were right. She doesn't hyphenate.**

**SHARON**  
**You are such a boob.**

THE END

\- Don't forget to leave a review and favorite it if you liked my fan fic. Thanks for reading! -


End file.
